The Awkward Probinsyana: learnings

March 31, 2018 No comments

I might give people the impression of being a strong woman. Someone who speaks her mind, tactless, and probably doesn't even care about how others feel. Let me tell you now that you are wrong. I am actually very sensitive, anxious, and has a whole lot of feelings bottled up inside my heart. In this age of social media, people express their feelings and share how their day went through it. I wonder how they were able to share the death of their relatives through Facebook. It's like, you validated their loss which I can't personally do.

This is the first time I'll speak with the online community about our loss. On what I thought was just a usual Thursday morning of February 2, the Lord called my uncle home. I was already in the office and my mom and I were exchanging text messages when she broke the news to me. I was heartbroken and I felt my soul was crushed into pieces. The only word that I said during the call was "WHY". It was a sudden loss and nobody expected it. I recalled the last time I was speaking with him and look for signs but there isn't any. And that makes it even harder to accept, nobody expected it.

The whole week was a blur. But there are a few things that I've learned from this experience:

CRY. You are hurt. You are broken. It's okay to cry and don't mind others.
Always make your parents feel that they are loved. I was heartbroken for myself but what more for my cousin?
Make this pain draw you closer to God. Although it's hard to understand what his plans truly are, know that He always gives us what's best.
Never ignore signs or symptoms of an illness. We didn't know why my uncle had a sudden a heart attack. We didn't know that he's not feeling well. Always seek for medical help.
Never underestimate the power of family at the end of the day, you only have each other.
Losing someone too soon is painful but look closer because there's a blessing behind your loss.
Know that you are still connected by love no matter where your loved one is right now.

So if you were able to read this today, go and tell them how much you love them. Don't wait until your time together runs out.

I would also like to take this time to express my gratitude to everyone who extended all the help that they could give to our family during this time. Maraming salamat sa inyo! Ninong Andy may have left us so suddenly but I believe he is with us through spirit, I know he's smiling in heaven with Tatay Bon. We'll be holding on to that thought and we'll all get through this as a family.

Ninong Andy, we thank you for sharing your life with us. This love will keep us all together. <3

February 10, 2017 No comments

Wow, I can't believe how 2016 ended so soon! Looking back, it has been a year of challenges and realizations. I always present myself by having a strong personality who never lets anyone look down on me. I am a fighter, yes, but just like any of you, I still have a lot of things to learn. And to be honest with you guys, before 2016 ended and just as this year have started - I've learned a couple of things that I would like to share with you. These may be some thoughts that are great to ponder upon.

I've learned to eliminate hatred and replace it with love. There was one person who I am not really close with told a friend that I am full of hatred. And then one day I just asked myself where all these hatred came from. Who started it? Why am I so hateful? Then all these experiences and emotions came pouring in - I used to be a happy person but with all these bad experiences with people made me see the worst in them before seeing the good. Slowly, I am learning to look beyond what our naked eyes can see. To see the good in every person instead of focusing on their bad characteristics.
I've learned that forgiveness takes time and courage. Trust me, I've been there. This is the reason why I've abandoned being The Awkward Probinsyana cause this identity reminded me of my happy days with someone I was really close with but because of a sudden turn of events, we parted ways. I was heartbroken and hurt but I showed the world that I was furious, which takes me to my third learning -s e e n e x t b u l l e t || Expressing forgiveness also took me a lot of courage, I can't even tell how many gallons of fluid I've swallowed before I could contact this person whom I haven't speak to for years but let me tell you this, it will be worth it.
I've learned that showing what you truly feel is not a sign of weakness. I never told anyone what I found out - I just expressed my anger through social media. When they asked me why, I never gave them a reason. I was bombarded by hurtful things that the person said behind my back but I never really shared the complete details with anyone. That's why I looked bad in their eyes but I didn't care. I kept it to myself so I became angrier every single day.
I've learned to apologize specially if you know for a fact that even though these people hurt you, you've also did something wrong in some ways. I got so mad that I've resorted to social media for all my unsaid feelings, I even cursed them to their faces and text messages. I blocked them and removed them from my socials - I've cursed everyone and did I feel good after doing so? No, I didn't. The thorns were only removed the day I've fully allowed myself to forgive and to heal. Babe, it felt good.
I've learned that some advises aren't really a good advice. :) Even some of your friends give bad advises and it's okay to trust your own instincts. It's okay to decide on your own and it's okay to commit mistakes just as long as you learn from them.

Before 2016 closed, it has opened some doors that I've already closed. Rekindled friendships and closures set me free. I still have a lot to learn and I'm trying to learn it outside social media. Turning off my connection every once in a while make me explore the world that is out there - besides, I'm only 25 and still learning.

Much Love,

Ria

January 27, 2017 No comments

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